One of the hardest jobs that exist is that of being a parent. The only one that’s even harder is being a step-parent. I know I’ve parented three into adulthood (two boys and a girl). I recently heard from a new step-mom with two step-kids who "have pretty much raised themselves" before she married their dad. She's really struggling because she can't get them to do anything. In particular, she's having problems with her 14-year-old step-daughter and wanted to know how she can "correct her attitude."

Here's my response... Like you, I became a step-mom when my step-son and step-daughter were already in their early teens – another factor that can complicate matters. So, I can appreciate the step-parenting challenge and adjustments you are going through right now.

Most experts agree that to be successful as a step-parent, it’s important that the biological parent continue to administer any discipline/consequences. This works best when you and the natural parent have the same parenting styles. In this case, that’s your husband. You mentioned that his two children have “pretty much had to raise themselves.” (I discuss the three types of parenting styles in Coach Your Teen to Success and the pros and cons of each style.)

It sounds as if you are taking corrective actions with your step-children on your own. Is that correct? If so, your life will most likely be a constant struggle. If you and your husband have different ideas about parenting, then you may just need to have separate standards for your kids vs. his. You shared that you are married one month and that your husband’s kids now live in the same town. Do they live with you at all, part-time, or full-time?

What was your relationship with your new step-kids before you got married to their dad? Hopefully, you had a chance to build a foundation and discuss expectations upfront. Note that teen girls are inherently more challenging for a step-mom. Once you accept this and choose your battles wisely, you’ll have an easier time of it.

Assuming you and your husband are on the same page and he is the spokesperson for outlining appropriate behavior to his children within your family unit, then you can focus on building strong trust-filled relationships with his kids. Keep in mind that until you can be at peace with yourself and them, nothing will change. The power struggles will continue. When you develop rapport with his kids and are not seen as someone who is merely controlling and takes away their privileges, then you will become a valuable influencer in their lives.

In the case of your step-daughter refusing to brush her teeth and shower when you want her to, let go of your need to have her do it your way. If you truly believe that her teeth are going to rot, take her to the dentist and let him or her explain about the consequences of not taking good care of her teeth. What are her father’s views about this? There’s no reason for you to take this on, unless you enjoy having a lot of drama in your life!

I’m concerned for you that in only one month you’ve already taken away two important tools that teens have to learn how to function in today’s world. If you keep this strategy up, you’ll soon run out of stuff to take away. And by taking the cell phone and computer away you are not teaching her how to use them responsibly, instead you are giving her reasons to dislike and distrust you. Why? Because you are interfering with her inherent need to be an adolescent, to learn and grow – not to be stifled. Do you know that the word “adolescent” means breaking away? Without some rebellion, your step-daughter will never find out who she is and won’t develop a mind of her own.

To successfully parent, we need to be mindful of giving praise, not just criticisms. When it comes to raising teens, treat them as if they are already adults. That’s not to say that you don’t set age-appropriate limits, identify boundaries and enforce real-world consequences. But remember to offer your children the same respect and courtesy that you do other adults. They will then be much more likely to give you the same in return. With some practice on how to communicate effectively – and from the heart, it IS possible for you and your step-children to have a healthy bond.

My best-

Barbara

Teen Advice Parenting

Check out our new site where high school and college grads get career savvy:

http://www.20-something-careers.com

Barbara McRae,   My Blog
MCC Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert
www.TeenFrontier.com
www.EnhancedLife.com
www.20-Something-Careers.com
Neon Whispers™