"...With the possible exception of the “terrible twos,” no age gets as much bad press as the teen years. Underneath the disagreements about everything from what to eat to what to do in their spare time, it IS possible for parents and teens to have healthy loving relationships that help teens grow into well-adjusted adults. But parents often need to brush up on their skills in order to know how to help their kids move into and through this difficult time.  

Equipped with our Essential Parenting Blueprints™, communications shift from being painful to productive. The first stage of the model is CLEARING. This refers to clearing of the parent’s emotions. When parents talk to a teenager—especially one that they are less than pleased with—it’s important to be calm and collected. When a daughter or son clutters the hallway for the umpteenth time, most parents would get triggered, react, and perhaps find themselves in a screaming match. Raised voices and slammed doors obviously don’t contribute to having a productive conversation. Reacting is a waste of energy, it only serves to alienate, and it’s damaging to kids.

So, why do we continue to react? We react because we feel frustrated and feel like yelling because it’s a habit, because in the moment we don’t know what else to do to release our frustration. At this point, it's really more about us, than about our children. Think about it! When we are upset, do we really want to listen and have a dialogue or do we just want to tell kids what we think they should do?

Even caring parents fall into this trap. To respond, we’ve got to handle our own emotions first—before speaking. It’s extremely difficult to handle a teen’s emotional state if you are still dealing with your own. We must clear ourselves to get back to a neutral space. How? By identifying and acknowledging how we are feeling. If HOW we are feeling right now prevents us from being willing to listen instead of just talking, do not engage in a dialogue yet. Take deep breaths, count to ten or take a break, maybe leave the room temporarily to clear yourself and bypass reacting. After we have taken care of our own needs, we can move to the next stage to begin truly CONNECTING with teens.

What does it mean to connect? It means giving your teen your full attention. It means being open and entering the conversation with curiosity so that you can get to know your child. It means establishing and maintaining rapport. We do this easily with our adult friends, but as parents we are often too focused on telling kids what we want them to know. We tend to fixate on our own agenda!

Kids—any age—need a parent to connect with them, even if we can’t fully understand all of their feelings or their thinking, and, more importantly, even if we don’t agree with what they are saying. Kids need to feel seen and heard so that they know it's safe to talk to you. Keep in mind that acknowledging them with empathy is not agreeing; it is simply being respectful. Empathy--together with acknowledgement--combine into a powerful  formula for teens in the "pain of anger." Believe it or not, applied consistently and over time, even high risk teens begin letting go of their resistance.

The final stage is COMMUNICATING to facilitate growth. Most parents want to express their thoughts right away and make the mistake of skipping the first two stages. Rushing in before thinking to open our mouths to say whatever is on our mind, without clearing our anger or stress, and without connecting first, will create blocks to successful parenting. When we calm down first, we can think more clearly.

Here’s a perfect example of how a potentially explosive conversation can easily be handled using this three-stage intervention. Rita’s 16-year-old son unexpectedly announced that he wanted to move out of the house and get his own place.  Instead of blurting, “That’s ridiculous you’re too young to move out!” Rita stayed clear of her emotions and calmly inquired, “What kind of apartment are you looking to rent?”

Her sincere curiosity allowed her son to feel good about describing it to her. She continued connecting with him by acknowledging that it sounded nice and continued the two-way communication with “How much rent will you need to pay?” He didn’t have a clue, so she asked him, “How will you go about getting that information?” At this point, it was clear to him that he didn’t have a plan and he didn’t know what to do next. Rita offered, “Would you like me to help you create a plan?” Her son gladly accepted her help and together they gathered the data for rent, utilities, and other related expenses. Afterwards, her son decided that he couldn’t afford to move out and remained at home.

Rita was relieved and elated at the news because she really didn’t want him to leave. She

let go of her own agenda in order to fully focus on his. Had she not done this, their conversation would have ended badly. She let me know that she would have been heart-broken had he left. So, she was especially proud of herself for not trying to convince or force him to stay home—that would’ve just driven him away to find love in all the wrong places!

A parent who feels like his or her teenager or preteen is slipping away, or going down the wrong path, can still positively influence the parent-child relationship by learning how to clear, connect, and communicate effectively. The only requirement is a shift in a parent’s thought process, from caretaker to leader; that’s when the dialogue changes, enhancing the relationship. These positive changes permeate throughout the entire family, communities, and the nation.

Parents who successfully lead their children, experience huge immediate improvements and reap ongoing rewards as their teenagers grow into healthy, happy, and responsible adults."

That was, in essence, my message to all of the educators, parents, and community leaders at this non-political event.

Also, it was great to be able to visit with Mrs. Bush briefly. She's very gracious and approachable.

My best-

Barbara