When, as a society, are we adults going to recognize that heinous behaviors by children are our responsibility and the way children are raised is the main cause of such behaviors? Abuse can be very subtle and is usually denied by parents and even by the troubled children they raised--since they are biologically driven to do what their parents want in order to get "love" (the protection they need to be safe until maturity). As renowned child abuse expert Alice Miller says, the Fourth Commandment about honoring your father and mother (or you'll pretty much go to hell) is to protect parents, not children. She believes the damage caused by that commandment is partially, if not mostly,  responsible for the unforgiveable amount of child abuse in these times.

This was not subtle abuse: I just read an article in Westword's September 20th issue about a 16 year old, extremely troubled teen who killed his friend's father. However, the story is much more complicated than that simple statement indicates. Michael Tate's life had none of what research shows, and everyday commonsense demonstrates, is of vital importance to our well-being: early bonding with his mother through contact comfort, i.e., loving, respectful touch.

Like most teen killers (perhaps even every  teen killer since verbal abuse can be as bad as physical and sexual abuse) I've read about, his history was so horrible that, in my opinion, something heinous had  to happen, given the givens of a severely abusive early childhood. You learn how to abuse by being abused and the cycle repeats, unless...you have what Alice Miller calls an "enlightened witness," someone who really understands you and believes in you.

Unfortunately, as a society we didn't have enough means to alleviate Michael Tate's fury--he was too far gone (even by age 6) for anyone to handle, so to speak. Or, at least, within the skills and resources of the many people who tried to help him over the years in shelters, hospitals, and foster homes. He was made the "bad guy" at so young an age he couldn't become anything but bad. As one prisoner told a parenting class I was teaching at a federal correctional institute, "you do what was done to you." I might add: with variations on the theme.

Solution? Totally support mothers and fathers throughout pregnancy and beyond. How? Through giving them the knowledge and skills to become loving parents no matter how they were parented. Think about it: Wouldn't it save millions in mental health costs, prison costs, and damage costs, if we broke the cycle of abuse? Angry citizens that have had enough of these crimes and costs need to speak up. How? Demand that parenting classes in high school be required, demand that experienced woman-to-woman support services be offered to every mother-to-be during pregnancy and at least the first three months after birth (to prevent post-partum depression.) Make it a requirement for every at-risk mother to have a safe, supportive place with the resources for her to raise her child with "best practices." Financially support child abuse prevention programs, non-profits that help parents and children, and anyone you know of who is dedicated to stopping the cycle of abuse and helping build safer, saner, and happier families. An example of one step you can take right now is to buy my ebooks online and spread the word about my work.

Loving hugs and blessings, Paula

Every time I get distracted by the million and one things that interest me, I always come back to my main purpose in life: to support happy, healthy, safe families by teaching about touch. Last night I had a session with a client and, as always, I felt healed and peaceful, just as she did while deeply relaxing into a meditative altered state of peacefulness and hopefulness. So, I decided to make sure I do more private sessions and made a flyer, "Feel the Divine Within" about my touch and movement work. It truly is a divine experience, for me as well as my clients. If you are interested, fortunately the first session is HALF PRICE or a half-hour for FREE to try my unique technique.

Here are some testimonials:
Paula's technique is in the best senses holistic, thoroughly grounded and deeply resourceful. As a teacher she is simply gifted. She has a natural humility that is disarming and encourages a comfort level that is conducive to this type of study.
Christine Carraher
Paula's gentle touch, compassionate understanding and unique individual approach to exercise and mind and body improvement have helped me to be healed, in more ways than one. She takes a personal interest in everyone who enters her presence.
Dorothy Leftridge

Lots of loving hugs to you all. Paula

Students find that the subtle, yet powerful, movements support their other exercise programs. Speed up your progress with Tai Chi, for example. It's also a way to become more flexible with age, and increase your abilitiy to heal yourself.

However, not everyone is ready to slow down in order to speed up, especially since that sounds impossible. But, being tense results in more effort, more working against your own structure, versus using gravity, breath, moving intrinsically from your core and the intention to pay attention. It's all about awareness. I certainly have continually expanded my awareness through practicing for decades.

To find out if what I say is true for you, I invite readers of my blog to a free class to see how you like it on a Tuesday evening from 5 to 6 pm.

This was a prime example how without any actual physical touching, but with loving intent, one person can deeply touch another. It was "field work." Our auric field is affected by the energy around us. Being aware of this powerful, non-physical touch, which includes our movements and position in space, to shape the lives of others, is of vital importance in healing our past wounds from bad touch and bad intentions.

May you all experience loving, nurturing touches during this holiday week of thanks and giving. Trackback URL For This Entry Is http://www.32direct.com/blogs_ma/trackback.php?id=670

Paula Jeane, Ph.D.
lighten up! learning
My Blog
Founder of The Touch-Ability Project

So, here's some important information: Touch is considered our first sense (or mother sense) because it is the most developed at birth. All sensory experiences that are detected and stored in our nervous system contribute to forming our habits and attitudes. These sensations include touch, taste, smell, sound, color, weight, movement and energy. Sensations of weight, movement and energy are part of our greater touch system. Touch can transform in powerful ways. Its power can calm a crying baby in a few seconds or, in contrast, create lasting emotional trauma that continues to manifest in various ways throughout a person’s life.

We all have experienced some touches that make us cringe and others that make us smile. So, practice giving many more smiling touches to family, especially your children, and friends.

Now imagine a bright flashing news button on this site. It asks you to join Robin Barbero and I on her radio show Sunday night at 7 p.m. MST, (9 p.m. in FL, her time). Get on-line at www.HealthyRadioNetwork.com, make sure you have Windows Media Player downloaded, and listen in. Better yet, call in for questions and comments.

It's darn right ridiculous how little people know about our sense of touch, which is so pervasive and so deeply affects our behaviors and relationships. I'm collecting touch memory stories, which we all have plenty of, good or bad. I'm especially interested in how, for example, you had a special relationship moment being rocked by a grandparent, hugged by a maid as mom wasn't available, or had a loving physical connection during a traumatic event that helped you cope. Please feel free to go to my website and the contact page to send in your stories. I'm going to add several to my book.

May you all be blessed with many warm, compassionate hugs today.Trackback URL For This Entry Is http://32direct.com/blogs_ma/trackback.php?id=477

Paula Jeane, Ph.D.
lighten up! learning
My Blog
Founder of The Touch-Ability Project

Also, five participants told me about their own positive physical touch experiences that have touched each of them emotionally for life. The connections and feelings we have regarding our early touch experiences, unfortunately, are not always positive. However, most everyone I know can remember at least one experience that stands out as a warm memory that has helped them in times of turmoil.

Our newest generation of parents so want to know the right things to do in raising their children. When I compare how I was raised with how I raised my children (much better) and how my daughter raises her children (much, much better), I am filled with admiration and hope. Watching a young mother with her child in her lap gently massaging the child's legs, hugging, petting and kissing her brought up a "ga-ga" feeling for my friend who described this scene. She commented that just watching this positive mothering experience reverberated to others in the room. It lightens us up and feels good. However, another friend commented that she feels a little jealous and sad when she sees such nurturing childhood touch because she didn't get it. At the same time, however, she is amazed by it.

These are examples of the all too often unrecognized power of touch. Notice the quality of your touching. Ask for the type of touch you need, and encourage your loved ones to ask you for the touch they need.

What if every infant bonded to her mother immediately in the first few days? What if you had all your needs met as an infant and you got comfort and food on demand, without resentment, from your relaxed, confident parents? What if every mother breastfed her child and was 100% supported in doing so? After all, that what breasts were designed for! (Men, please remember that.)

If you know of anyone about to have a baby, or who needs help with their young child's behavior, I highly suggest reading "Attachment Parenting: Instinctive Care For Your Baby and Your Young Child" by Katie Allison Granju. Some readers may feel sad they never experienced such parenting, or didn't know better when they raised their own babies, but personally I feel hopeful that the re-growth of natural child-rearing practices based on thousands of years of evolution can change the world and make us all happier and healthier.

P.S. This book is loaded with resources!

I've coined the term "Touch-Ability:" Our comfort level in giving and receiving compassionate touch. Here are some tips to have a more "TouchAble" life:

Here's the first tip: An old song says, "Slow down, you're going too fast. Let the moment last…" By slowing down and becoming intimately in touch with what is happening with our physical body, energy is saved and more can be accomplished with less effort. We become more effective when we relax and fine-tune our attention.

There are so many "hands-on" ways to connect with someone and pass the message via touch that you sincerely care. This is the loving language of appropriate touch. Notice how many times a day you do that with family members and friends. Have you ever done this exercise with your child or partner? Perhaps you could increase the number of times.

This simple act can bring more love to this world. You can also vividly imagine doing this with a loved one who is at a distance, perhaps someone affected by Hurricane Katrina or afflicted with an illness. Ask permission from a meditative state that's open to your friend's soul essence. Quantum physics proves that this is possible, not just "woo-woo." Trackback URL For This Entry Is http://32direct.com/blogs_ma/trackback.php?id=311

Paula Jeane, Ph.D.
lighten up! learning
My Blog
Founder of The Touch-Ability Project

Jesus is still, fortunately, a very outgoing and active youngster who is pretty much fearless. I was so thankful when I first met him that his mother didn't rein him in too much, but let him explore with wild abandon. Exploring for a blind child is a "hands-on" endeavor. I remember coming to his preschool class one day on my rounds from school to school to find him sitting on one of his hands and repetitively pressing one key on the braillewriter to make the letter "a". He looked absolutely miserable and my heart sunk. The teaching assistant had insisted he learn to write his name and like the other sighted students, practice his letters. The excitement he always had for learning was gone and at the sound of my voice he ran to me and jumped in my arms.

There's a lot more to that story, but what I want you to consider is your hands. How aware are you of what they touch? Of where you touch someone? Of how you touch? Of the depth, direction, and duration of your touch? All these factors are registered in the "touchee" and relate to the receiver's experience of comfort or discomfort. A little too long, a little too deep, a little too much movement, or a little too close to a sensitive spot, and a red flag is registered in the receiver, usually subconsciously. No wonder people have difficulty understanding when touch is appropriate or inappropriate. More later.

Paula Jeane, Ph.D.
lighten up! learning
My Blog
Founder of The Touch-Ability Project

Recall the news pictures after the earthquake and tsunami in Southeast Asia. People were clinging to others in anguish that was obvious on their faces. Language was not necessary to understand them. Touch helped them cope and connect.

Thanks for the question, Rita.

Paula Jeane, Ph.D.
lighten up! learning
My Blog
Founder of The Touch-Ability Project

If I were to replay such scenes, I would definitely change several aspects. One, I would first calm myself by feeling my breath and "doing gravity" as one of my teachers used to say. That means relaxing my weight into the ground. We can all learn to do this almost instantly. Stop and take a second to breathe with awareness and simultaneously let your weight relax into the ground. This can change your emotional state almost immediately.

Secondly, I would gently touch him so that we are facing each other and in a normal voice, i.e. one that didn't suggest he was "bad," talk about the problem in simple terms. We could then walk hand-in-hand to his room, or work together cleaning up a mess, or follow through on whatever natural consequence was appropriate for the circumstances.

Fifty years of research on spanking shows that spanked children have more behavior, relationship and on-the-job problems than those who weren't spanked. How a child is spanked, i.e. the place, the frequency, the duration, the strength, and the emotional state of the parent, relate to the severity of these problems.

I highly recommend that parents use physical touch only when in an emotionally stable mindset, not when they are angry at their child. However, when a parent fears for a child's safety, intervene immediately and take care of the child from a calm and aware place afterwards. Hope this is helpful. Trackback URL For This Entry Is http://www.32direct.com/blogs_ma/trackback.php?id=266

Paula Jeane, Ph.D.
lighten up! learning
My Blog
Founder of The Touch-Ability Project

Try this: Have a partner close her eyes and touch her back for 3 seconds while tensing your arms and then try while as relaxed as you can possibly imagine and touch again with a feeling of love. Can she tell the difference? Try several times to see if you can trick her. From my experience, most people can tell if they are being touched with tension or relaxation.

As an expert on touch I now am very particular about how I am massaged as I easily sense the givers tension and find myself getting tense in response. Let me know if you try this how it turns out.

In Touch,

PaulaTrackback URL For This Entry Is http://32direct.com/blogs_ma/trackback.php?id=242

As a teacher of the blind I learned early on the importance of our sense of touch and learning. So, don't forget to reach out and touch someone today with compassion.

I had the opportunity to volunteer for a Peace Day event today at a Denver low-income housing community. Some of the kids were very shy at first about making a talking stick at our booth. Others were gung-ho experts at glueing and creating their sticks. What was most interesting to me was to see how parents handled their children. One father was pushy with his son and wouldn't let him do the stick by himself. Another mother modeled for her shy son by making her own stick and asking him what he thought. He soon became very involved.

Notice how many words we use to describe people that are touch related (handled and pushy are examples from above.)

Why do some parents have the knack of calming and quieting their children, and others don't? I proclaim that it's mainly from the environment they grew up in. Were their parents fearful, uptight, anxious, depressed, angry? Were they spanked or otherwise abused? How much and what type of touch did they receive? Or were their parents understanding, patient, self-confident, relaxed and nurturing through kind words and compassionate touch? Parenting is a generational cycle that often results in behaviors we take for granted and don't believe we can change.

Hhowever, change is possible. it's up to each and every one of us to decide what messages we came to believe and now hold, mostly subconsciously, and whether they are limiting or not as adults. I recommend a book I just finished, "The Power of Belief: Essential Tools for an Extraordinary Life" by Ray Dodd. It's short and clear with useful tools.