When, as a society, are we adults going to recognize that heinous behaviors by children are our responsibility and the way children are raised is the main cause of such behaviors? Abuse can be very subtle and is usually denied by parents and even by the troubled children they raised--since they are biologically driven to do what their parents want in order to get "love" (the protection they need to be safe until maturity). As renowned child abuse expert Alice Miller says, the Fourth Commandment about honoring your father and mother (or you'll pretty much go to hell) is to protect parents, not children. She believes the damage caused by that commandment is partially, if not mostly,  responsible for the unforgiveable amount of child abuse in these times.

This was not subtle abuse: I just read an article in Westword's September 20th issue about a 16 year old, extremely troubled teen who killed his friend's father. However, the story is much more complicated than that simple statement indicates. Michael Tate's life had none of what research shows, and everyday commonsense demonstrates, is of vital importance to our well-being: early bonding with his mother through contact comfort, i.e., loving, respectful touch.

Like most teen killers (perhaps even every  teen killer since verbal abuse can be as bad as physical and sexual abuse) I've read about, his history was so horrible that, in my opinion, something heinous had  to happen, given the givens of a severely abusive early childhood. You learn how to abuse by being abused and the cycle repeats, unless...you have what Alice Miller calls an "enlightened witness," someone who really understands you and believes in you.

Unfortunately, as a society we didn't have enough means to alleviate Michael Tate's fury--he was too far gone (even by age 6) for anyone to handle, so to speak. Or, at least, within the skills and resources of the many people who tried to help him over the years in shelters, hospitals, and foster homes. He was made the "bad guy" at so young an age he couldn't become anything but bad. As one prisoner told a parenting class I was teaching at a federal correctional institute, "you do what was done to you." I might add: with variations on the theme.

Solution? Totally support mothers and fathers throughout pregnancy and beyond. How? Through giving them the knowledge and skills to become loving parents no matter how they were parented. Think about it: Wouldn't it save millions in mental health costs, prison costs, and damage costs, if we broke the cycle of abuse? Angry citizens that have had enough of these crimes and costs need to speak up. How? Demand that parenting classes in high school be required, demand that experienced woman-to-woman support services be offered to every mother-to-be during pregnancy and at least the first three months after birth (to prevent post-partum depression.) Make it a requirement for every at-risk mother to have a safe, supportive place with the resources for her to raise her child with "best practices." Financially support child abuse prevention programs, non-profits that help parents and children, and anyone you know of who is dedicated to stopping the cycle of abuse and helping build safer, saner, and happier families. An example of one step you can take right now is to buy my ebooks online and spread the word about my work.

Loving hugs and blessings, Paula